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 Only One my story :D

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Lapaoftheforest

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PostSubject: Only One my story :D   Sun Oct 23, 2011 4:09 am

Prologue
His chest heaved as he crouched, preparing to strike. His prey stood grazing, completely oblivious to her impending doom just to her left. He crept forward bit by bit. Finally, he was close enough. CRASH he slammed into her side. As she flung around, he made the kill. His fellow hunters gathered around the elk, including his apprentice. They took it back to the den site. As the pack fed, only one knew of the dangers to come. Only one would know how to stop it. Only one could save them.


to much punctuation? I think it sounds choppy but I'm not very good at this. Revision help? thanks guys.

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Jeger
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PostSubject: Re: Only One my story :D   Sun Oct 23, 2011 4:10 am

THats a very nice story you have there....it'd be a shame is something happend to you...-lights match-
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Lapaoftheforest

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PostSubject: Re: Only One my story :D   Sun Oct 23, 2011 4:16 am

-gives him death glare that could curdle blood- oh really?

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Shadow
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PostSubject: Re: Only One my story :D   Sun Oct 23, 2011 4:20 am

Really good Smile
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Lapaoftheforest

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PostSubject: Re: Only One my story :D   Sun Oct 23, 2011 4:35 am

thank you Shadow! so no1 thinks its too choppy but me?

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Angel
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PostSubject: Re: Only One my story :D   Sun Oct 23, 2011 10:40 am

No, I like it xD some stories need short and sharp sentences Smile
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Only One my story :D
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